Hike My Hike, Damn it! The one true, correct, and absolute way to hike. My way.

If you have been around hiking circles long enough, you know the phrase “Hike Your Own Hike.“

The idea that as long as your hike does not affect other people, it’s all kosher.

Well, if you have been around hiker circles long enough, you also know that phrase is often a politely phrased way of saying “F*** Off!” instead.

So, I summed up the real philosophy of hiking:

HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT! (HMHDI) : The one, true, correct and absolute way to hike,

Why? Because all other ways are wrong.

Published originally in 2009. Updated 2011. Revised 2017 edition..boo ya!

HIKE MY HIKE, DAMN IT!

by Paul “Mags” Magnanti

A very opinionated guide to the one, true, correct, and absolute way to backpack on long distance hiking trails.

Introduction

Hike Your Own Hike.

If you spend any amount of time in the long distance hiking community, you have heard this phrase.

What does HYOH mean?

In it’s idealized meaning, loosely defined, it means a way to enjoy your journey and let others enjoy theirs. As long as your journey does not impose upon anyone else, it does not matter how fast or slow you go, or what gear you take or even what route you decide upon.  HYOH means to best enjoy the journey based on your own personal safety, comfort, and fun levels.

However, if you spend any amount of time in the hiking community (often online, sometimes on trails) you know that HYOH is patently false.

There are discussions about what is the one, true, correct, and absolute way to hike.  Obviously, people don’t mean HYOH, they really mean HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

What does HMHDI entail? If you have to ask, you are obviously a pack sniffer and have no clue.

And that’s the point of this tract.  I’ll show the one, true, correct and absolute way to hike: My Way

HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!  After reading this little tract, you will know the one, true, correct, and absolute way to hike.

Happy Trails!

Paul “Mags” Magnanti

Paul “Mags” Magnanti has been making hiker trash look trashy since 1996. His outdoor experiences include packing in five-liter boxes of wine for trips, ascending the summit of Jerimoth Hill and walking the length of the Pearl St Mall (Boulder, CO) in a day. (self-supported coffee in hand).  Paul has also given lectures on such essential topics as Medium Rare or Rare – how best to grill a steak, Beer: Need I say more? and Duct Tape: How to use for Sartorial Splendor   When not advising on topics he knows little about, he lives near Boulder, CO  with his dust bunnies named Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Gear

Gear.

Based on hours of research, I have determined that what gear you bring is the most essential part of wilderness journeys.

Why do I say that? Because there have been threads upon threads upon which is the correct knife to bring (the bigger, the better….or the smaller, the better. Apparently.), many scintillating conversations on forums about what Dynamic Cuban FooFoo packs or shelters are available  and the many hours spent of people detailing the gear they have used on the hike (and what equipment you should take), but never on what they saw on the hike or even hiking with said gear. And many debates to go with all the gear such as which sub-3oz canister stove is superior to another near identical 3oz canister stove.

Obviously, gear must be the most critical part of the hike.

First, let’s discuss lightweight hiking versus traditional hiking.

There is a simple metric to use. Simply put, your base pack weight must be 20 lbs. No more. No less.

If your pack weighs more than 20 lbs, you are apparently not hiking efficiently and are a pack sniffer. You need to lighten your load!

Preferably with many of the items for sale at the Very Expensive Outdoor Store and are advertised in Way Cool EXTREME Outdoors Magazine. It does not matter if you prefer camping to hiking and like some creature comforts. Unless you lighten your load, you are forever destined to be a pack sniffer and obviously know nothing about backpacking.  You absolutely need to go faster and to go lighter.  Naturally you absolutely, positively, have to buy more expensive lightweight gear to achieve this goal!

If your pack weight is less than 20 lbs, you are obviously a gram counting weenie (even if we are using the British Imperial and not the metric system!). You obviously care too much about going lightweight and simply making hiking easier. You need to also buy some items for sale at the Very Expensive Outdoor Store and are advertised in Way Cool EXTREME Outdoors Magazine to get your pack weight to a more acceptable level.

You cannot be extreme if your pack is not heavy enough.  And you’ll never be #EXTREME or #EPIC.

Remember, to HMHDI; you need to pack 20  lbs, no more..no less.

Knives

Again, based on the hours of research, I have concluded that it is Very important to pack in the correct type of knife. When backpacking on the long trails (when you have a sleeping bag, tent, food, stove, and other equipment), you never know when it may be essential to fight a bear, do a low crawl and apprehend very suspicious looking people or even build an emergency shelter. These acts are esp. important when you are on the Appalachian Trail and can be as much as five miles from a road crossing!

The shelter you can build with the correct knife

A suspicious looking character you may have to take on with the proper blade. He probably has the wrong knife based on the photo.

 

What is the proper knife? A knife merely large enough to open up the packaging and slice an occasional slice of cheese or summer sausage is obviously not large enough to properly take on a bear.

If a hiker is HMHDI, the hiker will take the appropriate knife to slay wild boars, build a shelter and apprehend suspicious looking characters.

Correct knife for HMHDI. It will open Ramen packages.

What pack sniffers who never hike takes. Have you tried spearfishing with this less than a  one-ounce knife ??!?!

 

Stoves

Apparently, what stove you bring is almost as important as what knife you bring. On the trail, you must boil water. If you don’t bring the correct stove, you will not boil water the correct way!  If you do not carry the correct stove, you will obviously not enjoy the wonders of nature, the vistas and the camaraderie of your fellow hikers.  And, if you take the wrong stove, you’ll probably die. Don’t take the wrong stove!

 

You will lose paradise if you take the wrong stove!!!! HMHDI!

 

Hiking Poles

Most hikers take the wrong assumption that hiking poles are a personal preference. That one hiking pole, two or even none depends upon the hiker, the terrain or just merely personal preference in a given situation.

Real hikers know better. They HMHDI.  I have vague, unproven, and very anecdotal evidence that my view on hiking poles is correct and that other views are wrong.  Be a real hiker. Do what I say when it comes to poles. HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

Other Gear

I could spend hours upon hours of the correct gear to take for the HMHDI truth. Luckily, there are many fine places to get the proper equipment to properly HMHDI.  If you don’t want to look like a pack sniffer, simply go to the Very Expensive Outdoor Store and only get items advertised in Way Cool EXTREME Outdoors Magazine.  

Prefer to stay inside and not venture outside as some “outdoors”  people online? Post a question on a hiking forum. And you can spend many hours gleefully discussing the right piece of gear to take. Of course, their opinion is wrong. My advice is the only correct, true, and absolute opinion worth listening to, naturally.

Correct clothing for HMHDI!

An obvious pack sniffer who did not get the correct clothing and gear. Don’t let this happen to you!

 

Hiking Pace and Miles Per Day Hiked

Due to my usual thorough research, I have determined that a person subscribing to HMHDI hikes no more than 15 miles a day.

If you hike more than that distance, you are apparently not stopping to smell the roses.

A hiker truly HMHDI  is also in camp no later than Five PM.  If you are in a dark, mouse-infested, three-sided lean-to with no view by this time, then you are indeed stopping to smell the roses. A hiker HMHDI should also be on the trail no earlier than 9 am.  Why? Because if you are on the trail early and enjoying the morning light, you are apparently trying to make miles and not actually enjoying the trail experience. What? Do you enjoy walking all day? That’ silly talk! You are not supposed to be hiking on long distance hiking trails. A real hiker who is HMHDI recognizes this truism and will camp more than hike.

Conversely, if the hiker does not hike at the fifteen miles per day, then they are obviously not an efficient hiker and is merely a pack sniffer. Can a hiker really enjoy hiking by sitting at overlooks, swimming in lakes, and taking naps?

Don’t be a pack sniffer. HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

On a related note is the controversy over speed hiking and setting records. Sorry. Van supported speed “hikes” of any trail do not count.  Speed hikes, in general, do not count. Supported or not.  (Please see my chapter below on OTHER ACTIVITIES).

Why? For several reasons.

How can a person actually enjoy HMHDI if they are not carrying 20 lbs (no more and no less)? How can the overlooks be enjoyed if they are not camped out every night?

If the person is hiking more than 15 miles, then the hike is of course not HMHDI …they  are HYOH, and that (as discussed earlier) is just plain wrong.  And a more pleasant way of saying, “F*** Off!”

Remember, the hiker who HMHDI recognizes that there is only one, true, correct, and absolute way to hike. Any other way of hiking is just not enjoyable and is therefore wrong.  Remember, different from my way is bad. Different from my way is incorrect. Different from my way is not enjoyable. HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

Finally, all HMHDI hikers know, to the decimal place, how many miles they’ve walked. Hiking is not about time spent outdoors. Or memories made. No. It is keeping an accurate count of how many miles you’ve hiked. John Muir, Ed Abbey, Henry David Thoreau, and Colin Fletcher never listed their mileage. They are pack sniffers. HMHDI and keep track of your mileage!

Two obvious pack sniffers. Remember, 20 pounds. No more.  No less

On a similar topic are the so-called record attempts or even speed hikes on the long trails. Pushing yourself physically, exploring what the human body is capable of doing and walking all day on the trail from morning until dusk is clearly not HMHDI.  You are HYOH  and missing out on the spirit of ‘stopping to smell the roses.‘

On a journey on a long distance hiking trail, you will not smell the roses of a three-sided lean-to filled with mice if you hike all day into the evening twilight.  If you leave at sunrise and start walking, you are apparently trying to walk more than 15 miles per day.  To actually enjoy the trail you must HMHDI and be up no earlier than 9 am, be in camp at 5 pm and spend many days off in town drinking beer.  Walking all day on a hiking trail is wrong. HMHDI!

Be here no later than 5 pm to truly experience the trail and all its beauty.

 

The pack sniffer who took this photo was obviously out past 5 pm, not ‘stopping to smell the roses’  and definitely not  HMHDI.

Purity

When I first started backpacking, I naively assumed that a hiker looked at a map, figured out a route and went from A to B via foot.

How silly I was!

Since I’ve done many hours of research, I’ve discovered that walking from A to B on foot is not enough.  It is best to take a lesson from the organized races and follow a narrowly defined path only; otherwise, the outdoors experience is not valid.

On trails such as the Appalachian Trail, you can have many hours of fun conversation debating if you should walk in and out of the campsite the same way to say you have indeed done the trail.  A person HMHDI  knows that this discussion is not trivial. That it really does matter if you want to get your patch for the “I love me wall.”   Don’t share your stories, dreams or favorite memories. Let your friends and loved ones know if you really hiked into and out of the campsite the correct way!

For many years, Western trail circles avoided this discussion. Luckily, hikers based primarily on the Internet are finally seeing the light and recognizing the value of HMHDI!  It is not enough to merely walk the length of the Sierra, the Cascades or even the Rockies on your own two feet. Your hike is not really valid unless you follow the officially designated path that may be buried under snow,  hard to locate or even not completed. If you do not follow this path, you will be set up for ridicule by the outdoor experts on the Internet. Remember, don’t be a pack sniffer! HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

 

A pack sniffer  is one who does not follow the official trail through here; he is not HMHDI

 

Making Money Off Outdoor Pursuits

Real hikers do not write books, make gear, sell photographs,  get sponsored by outdoor companies, give talks or benefit in any way, shape or form from their passion.

All real hikers with any talent for the above do the above task for free.

If you are a real hiker with any kind of talent that may relate to the outdoors, consider finding a meaningless cubicle job that does not make use of your passion.

If someone is fortunate enough to make a living out of their passion, they are not a real hiker. Make fun of them anonymously on the Internet!

Remember….don’t HYOH (or earn your own living)…HMHDI!

     

Begging for money to fund outdoor pursuits

Offering a product, or saving money to go hiking is silly.

It is far better to spam an outdoor group asking for other outdoors people, who are suckers producing products or saving money for hiking,  to fund your vacation instead.

Why go fund yourself through work or producing something? Not when you can have others fund you instead!

Start a GoFund Me campaign, explain how #EPIC your journey is going to be, and explain how your vacation should be funded by the peers whom you invariably will see on the trails.   Asking family and friends for money, working a part-time job, or even doing a bake sale is for chumps.

     

Hiker Feeds

Or should I say “trail magic?”

Trail Magic was spontaneous acts of kindness in the past.

Now trail magic apparently involves large tents, lots of grills, many pounds of food, and looks a bit like runner aid stations. Aid stations for the unfortunate college educated and middle-class backpackers equipped with hundreds or even thousands of dollars of gear who overcome such hardships as walking all day.

As my friend Sarcasm The Elf has said, if it really is Trail Magic at these hiker feeds, where’s the damn magician performing tricks?

HMHDI, and give me a friggin’ magician at these magical hiker feeds!

                                                                

Other Outdoor Activities

Many people who subscribe to the false philosophy of HYOH  have an equally false belief. These HYOH miscreants believe individuals who don’t long distance hike or (shudder) do more than just hike, possess an outdoor knowledge worth sharing. The HYOH pack sniffers think that people can actually know something about, or even enjoy, the outdoors who don’t necessarily hike the long trails or also hike at all.  That reasoning is simply not correct.

To be a real hiker and to HMHDI, you must only backpack on long trails. Weekend backpacks and day hikes are only acceptable for training purposes. If you go on a day hike or weekend backpack merely for enjoyment or being with friends, you are a pack sniffer and not HMHDI!

Trail runners are of course the antithesis of all real hikers. Loping along the trails, taking in the fresh air, getting an endorphin rush and feeling a sheer bliss of life while in nature cannot be had while trail running. I know this because many of the hikers I met have told me so. They must be correct. HMHDI!

Climbers, skiers, and (dare I say it?) mountain bikers obviously know nothing about enjoying the outdoors and have no knowledge to share. The sunsets they see are not as beautiful and fulfilling as the ones real hikers see. A thru-hiker who is in a shelter by  5 pm and has never picked up a compass obviously knows more about, and how to enjoy, the outdoors than the bow hunter who never takes a trail. Remember, to enjoy the outdoors, and to prove you KNOW the outdoors, HMHDI! 

And if a person merely wants to camp in a remote area, take in the subtlety of a place and perhaps enjoy one area for an extended period of time, instead of walking many miles through clear cuts on a long distance trail to get there, well then, they are definitely not HMHDI. 

Tell all these people to HYOH.  Which, we as well now know, actually means “F*** Off!”

Backpackers who follow white rectangles for 6 mos without knowing how to read a map, walk on a well-defined trail that can be as much as five miles from a road and have ample guidebooks, logistic support and services are naturally outdoor experts. Scorn people who do something different with your expert outdoor advice! HMHDI!

Conclusion

HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

The HMHDI philosophy will lead you to the one, true, correct, and absolute way to enjoy the outdoors.

Enjoying the outdoors is not just a matter of being in Nature. It is not a question of enjoying the outdoors that satisfies your personal levels of safety, comfort, and fun.  It is not that silly phrase of HIKE YOUR HIKE. 

No, enjoying the outdoors is about what other people (most notably – ME) tell you is the correct way to enjoy the outdoors.

Can the outdoors really be enjoyed if you find your path to fulfillment?  Real hikers (and only hikers are real outdoors people…and only long-distance hikers are real hikers. And only hikers who follow the HMHDI philosophy are real hikers) recognize that there can only be one, true, correct and absolute way to enjoy the outdoors.

Enjoying the outdoors is not about fun, experiencing nature, the physical challenge, camaraderie, or the journey.

It is about being outdoors in the correct way.

And being outdoors the correct way is about doing it my way.

Don’t be a pack sniffer.  HIKE MY HIKE, DAMN IT!

Remember .,.the hiker who HMHDI recognizes that there is only one, true, correct and absolute way to hike. Any other way of hiking is just not enjoyable and is therefore wrong.  Remember, different from my way is bad. Different from my way is incorrect. Different from my way is not enjoyable. HIKE MY HIKE – DAMN IT!

Now, go “F*** Off!”  and HYOH.